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How Do I Love Myself Again?

We take a real blow to the ego after a divorce, whether the marriage ended good or bad. It comes with a lot of self doubt and shame. The idea of moving on, let alone getting into another relationship is painful. Believe it or not, sex can be the answer. Some of my more conservative readers are freaking out right now, so let me just say this, we are from sex. Makes sense that it effects everything in our lives.

Top 10 Reasons for Divorce:
  • Infidelity. Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce.
  • Money. Money makes people funny, or so the saying goes, and it’s true.
  • Lack of communication.
  • Constant arguing.
  • Weight gain.
  • Unrealistic expectations.
  • Lack of intimacy.
  • Lack of equality.
  • Not being prepared for marriage.
  • Abuse – emotional and physical.

In direct and indirect ways, sex can be tied to each one of these. If that is true, why is sex the thing we are so afraid to address and talk about? So instead of going into how it effects each one of these right now, let’s just get into being sexually healthier.

The first love is self love.

Have you heard of sex energy? Well you have it, know it or not and it effects your health, wealth and happiness. So, how do you tap into that?

Yes, I’m talking about masturbation first. “Oh, no. I can’t do that.” I hear it now. Masturbation is such a pure form of self love, but we have been culturized to see it as bad or dirty. When thoughtfully done, we create a love for ourselves and our bodies that we may have never had or have lost touch with. There are many ways to do that through masturbation, but for sake of space, I’ll invite you to take my National Masturbation Month Daily Challenge on my page The Erotic Life.

 

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How about spending time alone? You have spent so much time with someone else, that he idea of this terrifies you. That’s a very good reason to do it. Remember we’re talking about loving yourself again?

  • Go to a movie by yourself.
  • Go to dinner by yourself.
  • Go to a spa. (You guys too.) Self pampering is important.
  • Write love letters to yourself. (I’m not kidding.)
  • Explore a new hobby or revisit an old one.
  • Keep a journal about things you love about yourself.

This is a time to REALLY be selfish. You need to focus on loving yourself in order to give the most of yourself to the world around you.

The Principal of Vibration

Since I am a sexologist, you may think this post is about adult toys. Sorry, not this time. The Principal of Vibration is the 3rd of the Hermetic Principals. I skipped the 2nd for now, because I wanted to first acknowledge the two principals that are at work in mainstream Law of Attraction.

“Nothing rests; everything moves; everything vibrates.”–The Kybalion.

Since everything vibrates, it’s important to pay attention to what you’re vibrating. Where your mind spends most of it’s time, is exactly what will you will externally manifest. So where is your mind? “I am a Pollyanna so don’t fuck with that.” – Jody. Yes that’s me. I always smile. (You can’t feel bad when you’re smiling.) I write daily, the things I am grateful for. I spend my time with positive people. I ban the news. I have the courage to say “No”, to things that don’t make me feel good. That sounds so simple and it is…if we are conscious of it. It has been a long time practice for me, so I don’t even think about it unless I feel my thoughts going south. I acknowledge that and quickly replace the thought.

Since I have made it such a habit, I feel physical discomfort when I am in a situation where someone is being negative, throwing a pity party or it just doesn’t resonate (vibrate) with me. Then the easiest thing to do, is simply remove myself. I don’t try to change everyone in the situation. I change me.

If you’ve never seen a theremin in action, this is an amazing example of how our vibration can effect our external world.

loa-emotional-scale_opti

Now notice where you are on this scale at any give time. Maybe it’s not possible for you to go from 22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Powerlessness/Victim to 1. Joy/Knowledge/ Empowerment/Freedom/Love/Appreciation. But it’s not hard to move just one step. How about going from 17. Anger to 16. Discouragement? The small gradual steps make it pretty easy.

What are you vibrating?

My Playground! My Rules!

XOXOXOXO

 

Women’s History Month…And Sex

I was inspired, by one of my groups, to honor Women’s History Month in my way. What a disappointment it was to do a Google search to decide on what to write about and this is what comes up:

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Scandalous Women in History | POPSUGAR Love & Sex

http://www.popsugar.com › Love › Women

Jan 18, 2017 – It’s important to pay tribute to the commendable women who’ve made a difference for the better — but what about the bad girls in history, who …

7 Famous Female Sex Scandals Throughout History – The Frisky

Oct 25, 2012 – Sex scandals have been going on forever and they’ve always involved women. But when they’ve involved famous females, the public has …

Famous Bad Girls – Controversial Women in History – Marie Claire

Sep 17, 2010 – Naughty by nature, these famous faces have proven how good it looks to be bad.

5 Women From History Who Were Basically Magic At Sex – Cracked.com

Sep 23, 2015 – Here are some historical women whose creative sexual resumes … I introduced you to half a dozen people who should be famous simply for all …

11 Women Throughout History Who Wrote About Sex | The Huffington …

Mar 11, 2016 – 11 Women Throughout History Who Wrote About Sex … Another one of her famousworks Cheri centers on an aging, once-famous courtesan …

The 50 Greatest Female Sex Symbols in Film History – Nerve

The 50 Greatest Female Sex Symbols in Film History … Brooke Shields purred at us in the famousjean ad: “You want to know what comes between me and my …

10 Famous Female Sex Addicts « LIVE 105

live105.cbslocal.com/2011/11/16/women-sex-addicts/

Nov 16, 2011 – The media love demonizing male celebrities for their sex addictions, but women are sexaddicts, too. Here is my list of 10 famous female sex …

Sex: The 7 Sexiest Seductresses Of All Time | YourTango

Jan 15, 2014 – Over the course of thousands of years, certain women stand out as … Catherine the Great: This Russian Empress (inarguably the most famous of all the Russian women who ruled) took … <a href=”http://www.history.com/news.

Human female sexuality – Wikipedia

Human female sexuality encompasses a broad range of behaviors and processes, including …. Another historical device used to control female sexual behavior was the chastity belt, which is a locking item of clothing … Ernst Gräfenberg was famous for his studies of female genitalia and humanfemale sexual physiology.

Who is the most promiscuous woman in history? – Quora

The Fokkens Twins, ~177,500 each. Our only ladies on the list are two of the oldest living … Cleopatra was certainly someone who believed in sex as a tool in foreign policy, and had specially … Nell Gwynne is probably the most famous.

So…when it relates to sex, women can only be famous for being scandalous, controversial, addicts or sex symbols?

BULL SHIT!!!

I’ll give credit to Huffington Post for their article on female writers with regards to sexuality (see above), but can you really say that these women were a major influence on women and sexuality? (I know…you want to kill me now.)

Anyway, because I was so disappointed by my initial searches, I decided to pick two women whom I truly admire, and to me, make women take a look at having open conversations about sex.

Dr. Ruth and Betty Dodson.

These women came onto my sex radar at different times in my life and therefore influenced me in different ways. I’ll let the links tell you their history. I’ll just talk about why I feel influenced by these grand dames of sex.

I watched Dr. Ruth on TV during the ’80’s. Yes, I am a child of the ’80’s. I loved how at ease she was at talking about sex. As should we all be. It is our creation after all. We could watch her on daytime TV (Including Hollywood Squares. LOL.) and it was a natural conversation. I loved how she could educate with a giggle and a matter of factness. (That is now a word.) She has a comfortable air about her that makes it easy to open up to her and talk about the hard stuff. I have been told that I have that same kind of presence and I am honored for that.

Betty Dodson was introduced to me after I got into sexuality work. She represents to me the strength I see in every woman who owns their sexuality and who, those who don’t, can emulate. She makes no apologies for who she is or what she says. She does amazing work in her Body Sex workshops for women. Imagine the power in a group of women masturbating together. I don’t say that to belittle or get a giggle out of what she does. I really mean…IMAGINE THE POWER. I would like to think I am a bit like her as well. I stand strong in who I am and the work that I do.

Thank you ladies, for being women to admire in the face of controversy.

These ladies are both in their later ’80’s and still kicking, which just proves…sex is essential for good health and a good life.

My Playground! My Rules!

XOXOXOXO

There’s More Than The Law Of Attraction

The Law of Attraction has become mainstream vernacular. It was popularized in November 2006 with the release of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Fabulous book that made people aware that their thoughts create their reality, but many people said, “It just doesn’t work.”

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Well why not? After all, some people get what they want.

Because it is just the tip of the iceberg. A primer, if you will. But here we are in a fast food society where we want it now and don’t want to master the basics. I see that in my Tantra work a lot. I teach students breathing and they ask, “But what about sex?”

Wax on. Wax off.

Assuming you have started by reading The Secret or other such Law of Attraction literature, I’m going to introduce you to the next step:

The Hermetic Principals 101:

“The Principles of Truth are Seven; he who knows these, understandingly, possesses the Magic Key before whose touch all the Doors of the Temple fly open.” – The Kabalion.

There are seven Hermetic Principles:

  • The Principle of Mentalism
  • The Principle of Correspondence
  • The Principle of Vibration
  • The Principle of Polarity
  • The Principle of Rhythm
  • The Principle of Cause and Effect
  • The Principle of Gender

I’m going to start by talking about the two that we know as it relates to mainstream Law of Attraction. The Principle of Mentalism and The Principle of vibration. One at a  time though, let’s talk about The Principle of Mentalism.

To make this as simple as possible, perception is reality; things are as you think they are. Wow! Think of the enormity of that. That means if you change your perception, you change your reality. That means you get to choose. You get to stop blaming external forces. Some of you may love that. Some of you may not. Heaven forbid you take accountability for your life.

For those that want to take accountability and create their own reality, follow me down the rabbit hole. This is just an intro and I will build on it over time, but stay tuned and also follow my podcast. I  have some awesome guests lined up to help teach you about these principles. And of course you can always count on me as the Sex Diva.

Until next time.

My Playground. My Rules.

XOXOXOXOXOX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get Naked With Me

Let’s sexualize nudity. After all, we were born having sex. We have sex every time we bathe or shower. We have sex every time we change our clothes…WTF?!

Why do we sexualize nudity Americans? Yes I am talking directly to you. Nudity is our original and most natural state. It’s beautiful and it’s honest.

Have you ever just had a conversation with someone while you were both naked? Try lying while you’re naked. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it sure isn’t easy. Nudity strips us of pretense. It evens the playing field. We no longer have anything to hide and frankly, don’t feel the need to. There is no rich or poor in nudity. There is no education division, color division, identification division, etc. It’s just pure.

“Pornography is a by-product of religious repression. The whole credit goes to the priests. Pornography has nothing to do with pornographers. The pornography is created, managed by the Church, by the religious people.

In a primitive, natural state, man is not pornographic. When human beings are naked and nude and man knows the woman’s body and woman knows the man’s body, you cannot sell PLAYBOY. It is impossible. Who will purchase PLAYBOY? And who will look into all that crap? They have repressed so much that man’s obsession of pornography. The whole credit goes to them. They have repressed so much that man’s mind is boiling. The man wants to see the woman’s body. Nothing wrong in it, a simple desire, a human desire. And the woman wants to know the man’s body. A simple desire, nothing wrong about it.

Just think of a world where trees are covered with clothes. There are people…. I have heard about some English ladies who cover their dogs and cats with clothes. Just think, cows and horses and dogs dressed. Then you will find new pornography arising. Somebody will publish a NUDE picture of a tree — and you will hide it in a Bible and look at it! This whole foolishness is out of religious repression.

Make man free, allow people to be nude. I am not saying they should continuously be nude, but nudity should be accepted. On the beach, at the swimming pool, in the home… nudity should be accepted. The children should take a bath with the mother, with the father, in the bathroom. There is no need for the father to lock the bathroom when he goes in. The children can come and have a talk and chitchat and go out. Pornography will disappear.

Each child wants to know. “How does my daddy look?” Each child wants to know, “How does my mother look?” And this is simply intelligence, curiosity. And the child cannot know what the mother looks like, and the child cannot know what the father looks like; now you are creating illness in the child’s mind. It is YOU, that YOU are ill, and the illness will be reflected in the child’s mind.

I am not saying sit nude in the office or in the factory. If it is hot, it is okay, but there is no need to be naked, it should not be an obsession; but this continuous obsession of hiding your body is just ugly.” – Osho

Hmmmm. Could the solution to the pornography problem be that simple? No way! Let’s keep throwing billions of dollars at solving it only to have it not go away. That makes a lot more sense.

Oh, oh, oh…and let’s all go get artificial enhancements, because we hate our bodies that we hide behind clothes anyway. That makes sense.

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I so mandate it that no child shall be born naked. That makes sense.

Ready. Set. Go. Manifest!!!

FML! How tired I am of hearing that, but yet people say it all the time. Yeah…put the blame on everything and everyone…except yourself. It’s real easy to do that…but is it really?When you blame outside circumstances or other people for the things that happen in your life, you relinquish all control.

What if I told you that taking complete responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens in your life, you can create the life you desire? It’s true and it’s empowering. We are the creator of our own reality and ain’t that cool?! Try taking personal accountability for just one thing in your life and see how it feels. It may seems scary at first, but when you dance around with it for a bit, it is actually a wonderful feeling.

manifest-destiny-now

Now your ready to start manifesting and here are some steps to take:

  1. Become Very Clear About What You Want: Write down what it is you want. Is it really what you want? Is it that, or is it the feeling you will get from it. Be sure you are very clear about it. Remember, be careful what you wish for.
  2. Have An Attitude Of Gratitude: The more you are grateful, the more you have to be grateful for. People tend to overlook this, because it is so simple. Gratitude is powerful. Use it. Keep a gratitude journal. It doesn’t have to be a daily novel. Make it simple. Write down three things, every day, that you are grateful for.
  3. Recognize That You Are Already Enough And Have Enough: Take inventory of all that you are and all that you have. If you come from lack, you will continue to get lack. When you see how abundant you already are, you can’t help but attract more.
  4. Feel And Act As If You All Ready Have It: Remove all doubt from your mind.Feel what it feels like to have what you want. Visualize yourself as if it is already so. Step into it. Own it.
  5. What You Think About, You Bring About: Pay attention to what you are thinking. When you recognize a negative thought, turn it around and focus on the new thought. If something less than desirable happens to you,  ask yourself what exciting thing may come of it.
  6. Do Not Think And Act As Though Your Current Condition Is Permanent: We create our reality. The way you choose to see things is how you will manifest it. Ask yourself, “What can be better than this?”
  7. Find Joy In The Small Things: When you are constantly finding was to experience joy, your life becomes joy. It’s all around you if you take notice.

If manifesting is new to you, start with something small and follow the steps above. Feel how wonderful it is to have it. The world is yours for the taking. Now just ask.

Sexual Expectations

Do you go into a sexual encounter with expectations? WHY???

SONY DSC

Whether we intend to or not, more often than not, we go into a sexual encounter with the expectation of getting to the big O and/or getting our partner to the big O. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform. What are we…trained monkeys? monkey-toy-201x300Having expectations can often lead to disappointment, both in ourselves and in our partner.

I, of course, am not guilty of this. Ahem. Right… I know from personal experience how disappointing this can be and I have missed the boat of experiencing another person just to enjoy experiencing them. Admittedly, I have even gotten outwardly upset, when I didn’t “get mine” first. For a while, I adopted an attitude that if I didn’t “get mine”, you weren’t going to get yours. That did no good for anyone.

Mind you, one shouldn’t be selfish when it comes to sex, but isn’t having expectations just that? It’s selfish and it serves no one.

How about having a truly memorable sexual experience instead? Plan for plenty of time. Make a game of seeing how many new electric places you can find on your partner’s body. Have even more fun by drawing a little heart on those spots. Don’t be in a rush and take turns. Maybe ten minutes each.

Laugh and play. Good sex isn’t cut and dry. The reality is, great sex is messy and unpredictable. Have Fun.

 

The Magic of Gratitude

magic

My favorite topic, after sex, is gratitude. You hear some of the greats like Marianne Williamson and Oprah Winfrey talk about keeping a gratitude journal, but it’s such a simple process that people don’t do it. Why is it that we think something has to be hard for it to work?

Every morning I make a practice of writing down 3 things I’m grateful for. If I’m not having a particularly good morning, I write more. Sometimes the things I write are silly, which is great because it powers up the vibration of gratitude.

Oprah had some good things to say about what was happening in her life when she got away from writing her gratitude and how she got back to it. I am going to disagree with her on one point though, don’t do it electronically. Hand write with a blue pen on white paper. I know, you all love your electronics and so do I. I write it on my tablet. Have stylus, will write. The reason for writing instead of typing is that when we type, we only make 3 different movements with our hands. When we write, it’s over 10,000. Talk about putting the brain to work.

What happens when you keep a gratitude journal? People who regularly practice gratitude by taking time to notice and reflect upon the things they’re thankful for experience more positive emotions, feel more alive, sleep better, express more compassion and kindness, and even have stronger immune systems. For you that like the science behind it, you’re welcome.

Some other tips for expressing gratitude:

  • Express gratitude around the dinner table.
  • Thank those being of service to you, even if it is their job.
  • Find something to be grateful for in the hard things.
  • Write a letter to someone and share with them how they have impacted you.
  • Take a moment to thank your higher power.
  • Notice the little things.
  • Come up with some of your own practices.

A quick story on how gratitude impacted me. I worked with a woman who I called, “The Troll.” She was the nastiest woman and was always swearing at me in Spanish, under her breath, yelling at me for stupid things, etc. I generally wouldn’t be this way, but I would go out of my way to piss her off. She was that nasty. I decided to change my own attitude and made a practice of finding things I could be grateful for in her. Things changed quickly. She would now smile when she saw me. She would help me with different tasks. She even hugged me once. I didn’t say a word to change the situation. I just chose gratitude.

It’s fun and life changing to practice gratitude. Give it a try.

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Good Things Come To Those Who Masturbate Part II

I’ve heard many women say that their first experience with masturbation was discovering that it felt really good to rub a pillow between their legs. What? I swear on chocolate, I had no experience of self love until I was an adult. There was no reason for that. I just had no clue. That was unfortunate for me because I also didn’t have an enjoyable sex life until I was older. I thought, “Is that it?”

Self love is critical (Yes it’s that important.) to our health, wealth and happiness and if we don’t know ourselves, how can we expect our partners to properly pleasure us? So here are my masturbation tips for ladies. (Sorry guys, but pay attention.)

#1 Grab a mirror. Vulvas are all very different and they are all beautiful. Take a look at yours. Admire the complexity. It is often referred to as a flower. It’s not a wonder.

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#2 Get in the mood. Do whatever makes you feel relaxed and sensual. Light candles. Take a bubble bath. Listen to sexy music. (Sade is my favorite.) Read erotica. (The Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice under the pen name A.N. Roquelaure is very well done.) Watch porn. Most importantly, make sure you won’t have any interruptions.

#3 Explore your body. Don’t go straight for the clit. Touch your whole body. Discover what places you find particularly erotic. Explore all of your vulva. I discovered that I really enjoyed the U Spot before I even knew there was a name for it. I am not a big fan of vibrators, certainly  not if that’s all you do, but don’t be afraid to give that ago. Pay attention as well to the perineum and the anus.

#4 Use lubrication. Lube creates a more sensual experience. Get one that is water soluble or even better, I recommend coconut oil.

#5 Take your time. While orgasm is awesome, don’t make that your goal. It takes women an average of 20 minutes to achieve orgasm. I would encourage you to block out an hour or more to really explore yourself and discover what you like.

These are just a few, but most important…have fun.